Most of us would stop working if we could. We constantly dream about it, but that’s about as far as we get dreaming. Working a 9-5 seems inevitable. I, Jordan Martinez, however, am a master at defying the inevitable. I look at ‘The Inevitable’ and call him dirty names. If you want to stop working, STOP WORKING! But my god, I’ll give you 5 reasons why you should.
1. If you stop working you’ll have more time to devote to reading my articles, columns, and lists. This will let me become a household name at the Unemployment and Welfare offices, where I’m already pretty famous. My fame is a small price to pay for you living your dreams. Think about this when you see me on the ‘Today Show.’
2. Quitting your job will make you feel wonderful. For about 10 minutes, you’ll be on cloud nine, on top of the world, living the good life, and being: insert your own cliche here. Then you’ll start worrying about the car loan, the mortgage, the kid’s school clothes, groceries, and how you’ll pay that $850 you owe the Karens for running over their mailbox and a whole row of prizewinning azaleas (some sort of plant). All this will probably depress you, and you will reconsider your life choices, but don’t quit on me now we have 3 more reasons!
3. Daytime television is some of the most exciting and captivating television around. You’ll wonder how you survived without all those quality soap operas, daytime talk shows, and judge shows where you get the sinking suspicion that the judge has been paid off. When you combine this with all the informative commercials that air during the daytime that will “Show you how to make $1,000 a day stuffing envelopes,” “Teach you to drive a tractor trailer in 4 days”, “Allow you to get a degree from home in such exciting fields as GED preparation and septic tank scrubber” and you’ll not only wonder why you didn’t quit your job sooner, you’ll also vow to never work again.
4. In your formerly employed state, you missed all those critical calls from collection agencies and other bill collectors. Now that you have quit your job, you’ll be able to sit at home in eager anticipation of these oh so important calls. Toss in a few telemarketers, calls from the Sheriff’s Association asking for donations, and a few of those computers that call you and ask you to “Hold for an important message” and you’ll have a full day of just answering the phone. It will be like having a full-time job all over again, without all the hassle of getting a paycheck.
5. Dragging yourself out of bed every morning at 5:45 a.m. can’t be good for your health. Your doctor will be proud of you for caring enough about your body’s well-being to quit your job. He will not, however, see you as a patient anymore because you no longer have health insurance. But there’s no need to worry; after all, that’s why we have free clinics. Sitting all day in a damp clinic waiting room next to two teenagers with stage 112 Chlamydia is yet another experience you would have missed out on if you had kept your day job.
There you have it folks. 5 IMPORTANT reasons why you should immediately go out and quit your job. Feel free to quote any of these reasons to your employer when you turn in your two weeks’ notice. If she wants to know where you came across such valuable information tell her that an unselfish blogger of humanity supplied them to you free of charge. All I asked in return was that you remember me next time you need your septic tank scrubbed.
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